“You never listen to me!” “You always make me do all the work!”
Always. Never. Those words get thrown around quite often, but if you really think about it, it’s pretty unlikely that the person you’re upset with never or always does whatever it is that you’re upset about. That doesn’t mean they don’t do it a lot, just not constantly. The problem is that while you may feel like you’re just expressing how you feel, to the other person it can feel accusatory or like an attack and cause them to either withdraw or become defensive and not want to talk things out at all.
Either way, the problem does not become any closer to being solved.
Ever heard the term “think before you speak”? That is one of the most important rules when it comes to communication. Words matter. And you have to be very careful toframe your words and feelings in a way that will allow the relationship to grow, rather than breakdown.
For instance, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” you could instead say, “I feel hurt when you talk over me.” And rather than, “You always make me do all the work,” you could try saying, “I feel like I could use more help.”
Practicing “I feel” statements that lack blame, accusation, or attacks, will eventually lead to healthier communication and a much more fulfilling relationship!