You’ve probably heard that communication is the key to healthy relationships and that’s 100% true. But here’s something not everyone talks about: communication only works well when you pair it with talking through your boundaries.
Whether it’s with a friend, a romantic partner, a parent, or a teacher, every relationship is different; and that’s because you show up a little differently in each one. And that’s okay! That’s why boundaries are so important. They help you figure out what’s okay for you in any relationship and how to protect your energy, space, and feelings.
So, What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries are the lines you draw to let people know:
- What makes you feel safe
- What makes you uncomfortable
- What you’re okay with and what you’re not okay with
Think of them as your personal rules for how people treat you and how you treat others. Setting boundaries isn’t about pushing people away. It’s about understanding your needs and making sure your relationships are healthy, respectful, and real. And here’s the best part: your boundaries can change as you grow, learn, and figure out more about yourself.
Types of Boundaries
- Physical boundaries: These are about your body and personal space. Everyone has different comfort levels.
- Scenario: Your friend J loves giving hugs every time they see you, but it makes you feel a little uncomfortable. You still want to be friends, but you’re not always in the mood for hugs
- What you can say “Hey J I love hanging out with you, but I’m not always comfortable with hugs. Could we do a high five instead?
- Scenario: Your friend J loves giving hugs every time they see you, but it makes you feel a little uncomfortable. You still want to be friends, but you’re not always in the mood for hugs
- Emotional boundaries: These help protect your mental and emotional well-being. It’s about knowing how much emotional energy you can give and when it’s okay to step back.
- Scenario: Your friend T is going through a rough time and always wants to vent to you. You really care about them, but lately you feel overwhelmed and drained after every hang out.
- What you can say “T, I care about you a lot and I want to support you. But sometimes our conversations feel really heavy, and I don’t think I have the right information to help you. Maybe we can find a supportive adult to help you talk through these feelings.”
- Scenario: Your friend T is going through a rough time and always wants to vent to you. You really care about them, but lately you feel overwhelmed and drained after every hang out.
- Digital boundaries: This is all about how you use your phone, social media, and other tech. You get to choose what you share, who sees it, and when you engage. You have the right to privacy in a relationship and you can decide on your own terms what makes you feel comfortable when it comes to your devices and social media presence.
- Example: You have a “Close Friends” list on Instagram where you post memes, inside jokes, and sometimes personal updates you might not want everyone to see. It helps you have your own space online with people you are comfortable with.
- Sexual boundaries: They protect your right to consent and what kind of sexual activity you like/where/when/with whom. It is being able to express what you want. It is very important for everyone in the relationship to ask for consent and discuss what people feel comfortable doing. No one is entitled to have sex with their partner, and applying all the aspects of consent should be talked through. To learn more about consent and sexual boundaries read about FRIES.
- Scenario: You’re dating someone you really like let’s call them G. You enjoy spending time together and holding hands, maybe even kissing. But lately, G has been asking to go further physically, and you’re not entirely ready. You feel nervous saying no because you don’t want to lose them. It is vital for a partner to respect your no’s and stopping when things feel uncomfortable.
- You might try saying “G, I really like the time we have been spending together, but I’m not ready to do anything more physical than kissing. I need to feel totally safe and comfortable, and right now I’m not there yet.
- Scenario: You’re dating someone you really like let’s call them G. You enjoy spending time together and holding hands, maybe even kissing. But lately, G has been asking to go further physically, and you’re not entirely ready. You feel nervous saying no because you don’t want to lose them. It is vital for a partner to respect your no’s and stopping when things feel uncomfortable.
Setting boundaries can feel awkward at first, especially if you’re not used to saying “no.” But like any skill, it gets easier with practice. Give yourself the space to mess up, learn, and try again. Some of your boundaries will be super clear and firm. Others might be more flexible. That’s totally normal. What matters most is listening to yourself and paying attention to what makes you feel safe, respected, and comfortable. You deserve relationships that honor your boundaries.