Warning: This blog includes conversations about unhealthy dynamics in relationships including assault, and abuse.
If you’ve spent any time on things like TikTok, AO3, Wattpad, you have likely come across what's known as a subgenre called dark romance. If not, that is okay; to give a bit of context dark romance is a romance subgenre in which control, jealousy, possession is at the center of the relationship. In some cases it can include abuse, trauma and even sexual assault.
With popular books like It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover or even the movie Obsession, more and more youth get introduced to this subgenre. While they can be thrilling and it is okay to enjoy the chase, it is also important to know how to not blur the line between fantasy and real life.
So I thought it would be good to break down how to still be able to engage in these types of media while protecting yourself as a ready. The main step is being able to recognize unhealthy actions within them such as:
-
Jealousy seen as a form of devotion or love
Jealousy is an emotion that can come up in relationships but it shouldn’t be used as proof of love or be used as an excuse for abusive and unhealthy behavior which can often be the case in this subgenre.
There are many of these types of examples you will see in dark romance books such as:
- claiming the antagonist in public
- threatening their partner or love interest
- isolating them from their loved ones over jealousy.
- Tracking their phone
- Stalking them as “protection”
This is not protectiveness or intensive love, its surveillance and control. A healthy relationship according to Love Is Respect involves “Communication,” Alongside "Respect" and “trusting.”
-
Lack of consent or ignoring boundaries in intimacy
It’s not uncommon in dark romance for dark romance to frame these two as a small matter or a moment of passion.
Some examples would be:
- Kissing the love interest in an argument
- A character saying “stop” but the character insisting the action ignores it and continues anyway
- The character imitating sex, ignoring social cues and taking silence as consent
- Insisting sexual intimacy with a character that is too intoxicated to make informed and voluntary choices.
- A character expressing they are can’t resist seeing them or doing things that make the other character uncomfortable because they “love them too much” or “need them”
It’s portrayed as the heat of the moment or passion but in reality it is coercion and in some cases more if the sex was not consensual. According to RAINN "consent is meant to be based on communication that is mutual and something that “always be clear, voluntary, and communicated without pressure, manipulation, or fear.” A relationship should be built on trust and seeing the love interest as an equal, not as someone to possess or control.
-
Love bombing as an excuse for abuse or unhealthy actions
For those who don't know what love bombing is, this is huge in dark romance books.
It can look like:
- Big declarations
- Very big gifts or gestures early on in the relationship
- Constant attention like texting or calling or spending time
In itself these things are not automatically negative, it is okay to express affection but often in dark romance these actions tend to be tied as excuses before or after unhealthy actions.
It can later be used in form romances as a form of
- Guilt tripping the person who they are love bombing through the amount of affection, gifts or attention they have given them
- Anger or punishment
- Getting the other person dependent emotionally
- As an excuse to try to “fix” the relationship and become a pattern
These levels of affection can be a tool of manipulation rather than love. Scarlet teen explains that a healthy way to approach a relationship is to advance it out of desire to build more together and “not because anyone feels they should or feels obligated to because they made big plans or promises.”
Overall it is crucial to recognize these patterns because:
Yes, dark romance books can be dramatic and thrilling. However there is a difference between fiction and reality. Youth deserve to be in relationships where they feel respected, an equal, have mutual consent and there is communication in which boundaries cant be placed.
When reading or consuming these dark romance media I would encourage you all to think about whether or not they show what a healthy relationship should be built on.
- For example:
- Are boundaries respected or are they ignored?
- Is consent mutual, clear, and there the entire time?
- Is the relationship built on abuse, fear, or guilt?
- Is “love” an excuse for a character's lash outs or jealousy to hurt their love interest?
It also doesn’t hurt to take a look at the following websites down below as a way to be able to recognize healthy vs unhealthy patterns in relationships. Healthy relationships can involve disagreements, passion and thrill but they don't have to rely on abuse, control and manipulation to be an intense relationship.
-RJ Intern 💚