Continue with our LGBTQ+ learning series: Figuring out who you are can be exciting, confusing, or empowering; and sometimes all three at once. As you learn more about yourself, your gender identity, or your sexual orientation, you may also start questioning ideas you’ve heard your whole life about relationships which may include attraction, and what your future is supposed to look like.
Many of us grow up surrounded by messages about what love should look like. Movies, TV shows, social media, family expectations, and even school often tell us that everyone is straight and that they will eventually date someone of a different gender. But what happens when your experiences don’t match those expectations.
That’s where ideas like compulsory heterosexuality and heterosexism come in.
What is Compulsory Heterosexuality?
Compulsory heterosexuality (comphet) is the idea that society often pressures sapphics and queer people to be straight to attracted to people of the opposite gender. This term was introduced by feminist and lesbian scholar Adrienne Rich in the 1980s. She described how many people, especially women, are taught from a young age that heterosexual relationships are the normal or expected path.
Because of these messages, some people may spend years trying to fit into the expectations before realizing their own feelings don’t match what they’ve been taught.
It’s important to remember that compulsory heterosexuality is not a diagnosis or a test for your identity. It’s simply a way of understanding how social expectations can influence how we think about attraction and relationships.
What can Comphet look like?
Everyone’s experience is different, but here are a few examples of how societal expectations can show up.
Confusing friendship with romantic attraction
Sometimes people wonder if they’re attracted to someone because society tells us that close emotional connections should become romantic.
It’s okay to ask yourself:
- Do I enjoy spending time with this person because they’re my friend?
- Am I feeling romantic attraction?
- Am I feeling pressure because everyone expects us to date?
There isn’t always an immediate answer and that’s okay.
Dismissing Queer Feelings
Some people notice attraction to the same gender but convince themselves it’s just what being friends is like or it’s just a phase or even something they should ignore.
This doesn’t happen because nothing is wrong with them. It often happens because many of us grow up hearing being straight is the default.
Over the last few years, conversations about compulsory heterosexuality have become more common on social media especially among young LGBTQ+ people sharing their experiences. Many creators have discussed how growing up surrounded by heterosexual relationships being the norm influenced the way they understood their own identities.
You may have also heard people mention the “Lesbian Masterdoc.” This community-created online resource became popular because it encouraged people questioning their sexuality to think about how their experiences have been shaped.
While many people have found it helpful as a starting point for self-reflection, it’s important to remember that it isn’t medical or psychological resource, and it can’t determine anyone’s sexual orientation. Everyone’s journey is unique.
What is heterosexism?
While compulsory heterosexuality focuses on the expectations placed on individuals, heterosexism refers to the broader systems that treat heterosexuality as the norm while overlooking or excluding LGBTQ+ identities.
Heterosexism can show up in everyday life without people realizing it.
Some examples include:
- Assuming everyone is straight until they say otherwise
- Asking someone if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend without considering other possibilities.
- Movies & TV shows mostly focus on heterosexual relationships
- Family members assume you’ll marry someone of a different gender.
These messages can make LGBTQ+ people feel invisible or like they have to explain who they are. Thankfully, media and communities have become more inclusive over time and today there is push for more representation.
Your Identity is Yours to Define
There is not deadline to figure out your sexual orientation or gender identity. Some people know from a young age. Others discover new things about themselves later in life. Some people’s identities stay the same, while others may have more fluid identities, or people may be figuring out their true authentic selves.
No matter where you are in your journey, your experiences are valid. Learning about LGBTQ+ history and terminology can help remind us that there are many ways to experience relationships. And everyone deserves the freedom to discover who they are without pressure or expectations.